Why The Diet Pepsi Machine Is Patriots Biggest Bust

Diet Pepsi - NFL Draft - Diet Pepsi Machine - short (2005) 0:30 (USA)

In spite of the neverending popularity and the most popular merchandise sales of any player in NFL history, it turns out the Diet Pepsi Machine the Patriots signed was just as useless in game as the word “Diet” is on a soda can.  While seemingly impossible to tackle, the Diet Pepsi Machine might have been tackled more often if it was ever actually on the football field. Players tend to hit vending machines harder when they don’t get a soda from a stupid thing that is not plugged into the wall (or the game). In spite of the neon light display that shines whenever it enters the corner of the tunnel, the Diet Pepsi Machine never actually  did much good in the game. In spite of its tall height, the Diet Pepsi Machine’s catch radius was extremely limited to a small central space lower to the ground. Most of its production came during the commercial breaks. After this flop of a draft pick, the team was set backwards never winning another Super Bowl for another nine or ten years even with Brady throwing for the team.

Bill Belichick does not like to talk about drafting Diet Pepsi Machine because he does not like to talk about anything. But if he did, he would say he is happier to be in North Carolina than to send an inanimate object on the football field. Allegations that the machine had been drinking surfaced upon evidence of theft and people being given a twelve-ounce can of lukewarm turkey and gravy soda instead of the ice cold refreshing taste of Wild Cherry Pepsi at F4 that was right next to it.

Diet Pepsi Machine struggled to connect with teammates. Tedi Bruschi was accused of smashing cans of Pepsi against his forehead to intimidate the Diet Pepsi Machine into giving them something other than a stale performance. However, being unpopular with players obsessed with Gatorade is not necessarily a true testimony to the character of a teammate. It was famously known that in spite of all the commercial deals, Diet Pepsi Machine was the first to be there at work and the last to leave from the office. It never complained about anything or trash talked anyone. Every criticism, every insult, and every media negative talking point was met with the same stoic readiness of a true athlete from the very first day.

But with so much violence on the football field, injuries are bound to happen. A series of tears on Diet Pepsi Machine’s wiring on  a rainy Monday night game caused the player to begin a career killing habit of smoking. It was smoking and falling all the time, collapsing in practices, and dropping passes without dropping even a drop of Diet Pepsi. The Diet Pepsi Machine was so bad, it was moved from the sidelines to the locker room and eventually to the concession stands completely.

Today, the Diet Pepsi Machine has found religion. Even that journey was not  so easily accepted. Attempting to land work at a Chick-Fil-A, it was discouraged upon learning that Chick-Fil-A serves Coke and does not use vending machines, because they depend heavily on personal service from animate people rather than outdating technology. However, it did come to find a home as a key part of Saint Marshmallow Christian Academy’s athletic program. After being carried like what it thought might be a funeral to a town it never knew, the Diet Pepsi Machine now remembers the moment as being carried victoriously by six newfound teammates like a game winning hero in a championship moment. It has stopped distributing Diet Pepsi and is promoting health by distributing holy water for free to the middle schoolers at the private Christian school. With inspirational Bible stories like how Jesus turned water into wine, the Diet Pepsi Machine is able to encourage Middle Schoolers to hydrate as often as possible. Does it still miss football? Sometimes. But it does not miss the footballs as often as when Tom Brady was trying to throw the football to it.