FBI Ruins Sports For Some Conscience Driven Tomfoolery We Didn't Want

In the exhausting hot summer sun, Larry Graboskison was on video running for hours. There was no water break. There was no resting to catch his breath. It was just maneuvering and dodging tackles for hours and hours throughout the roasting state of New Mexico. Oh the heat was devastating. The internet seemed to go wild watching this tremendous athlete jump through windows without checking a single scratch and leap aimlessly over cars driving at thirty-five miles per hour. Cell phone after cell phone clips all over the internet watched the gifted purse snatcher climb trees, jump from roofs, and outrun German Shepherds. His use of the environment around him as he ran from the police was a sight to behold. And then finally, the inevitable conclusion happened that we all knew was coming. Larry Graboskison escaped once a CNN reporter outright told everyone what we did not want to hear.

“You do know that the more we keep recording this guy, the more we are just snitching on him.”

The reporter was right and we were disappointed in ourselves for ruining such a momentous effort to simply go home. Not that he could go home. But you know what I mean.

So faster than the police turned off their body cameras, we turned off our tvs and phones and told the cops that we did not know anything. After all, we were all at work and we all know how hard good American boys and girls work without any distractions whatsoever.

Instead of receiving footage, the FBI tried another dirty tactic. They sent the footage to the Philadelphia Eagles. The President apparently knew the fans would love seeing such a powerful athlete on tv every week. The Eagles agreed that they could not let the opportunity to let this guy play for the Giants or Cowboys or whatever the Redskins pretend to be these days. So, they contacted Larry Graboskison and offered him a job as the team’s starting tight end even without a workout.

“We have the workout on video already,” one assistant coach commented.

Larry signed up and went to the Philadelphia Eagles training camp where he thrived. He even gave some tactical lessons for players to avoid getting too close to the defense and for how to escape certain wraps and restraints defenders might use. Larry Graboskison was a great inspiration and a big help.

Then came game day. We all thought this was going to be a big moment to learn about Larry Groboskison. Alas, his NFL career never came to fruition. The FBI all along had planned on keeping Larry busy with his new NFL career while they worked behind the scenes to build a case on his many robberies. Thus, to our dismay and disgust, we the people were robbed by a corrupt and lying government from seeing the true athletic glory that could have been Larry Groboskison. Now, all the footage we have is from security cameras at the penitentiary of him flinging security guards into jail cells and holding the warden’s sister in one arm like a Lombardi Trophy while he spins and kicks his way into what we all wish would have been a Philadelphia Eagles touchdown. Larry and the warden’s sister were since married and have four kids. But we don’t know if she gave birth to them or if they just kidnapped them. Either way, we wish them the best.