Seahawks Are Believed to Have Won The First Game of The Season But We Can't Be Sure

Drake Maye’s awkward post-game press conference almost went into trouble. It really had more to do with misunderstanding than frustration. However, it could have gone the wrong way. In the beginning of his press conference, the Patriots quarterback sulked to the podium and looked dead in the eyes.

A reporter asked him, “Drake, tell us what happened out there.”

“You guys saw what happened,” Maye responded.

This is the kind of answer that builds more tension than it explains. While  it was obvious that  there was disappointment, other reporters responded with some careful consideration.

“Actually, we did not get to see the game, Drake. There were too many commercials. We couldn’t see anything at all.”

At that moment, Maye looked around the room with an opening mind. Almost apologetic, he changed his tone to a more understanding nature.

“Oh. I had the same thing happening. The only difference was instead of seeing my teammates on the field, all I could see were Seahawks instead of commercials. They were everywhere.”

“Were you able to at least tackle any of the Seahawks on the field?”

“I don’t know. When I looked up in disappointment, I tried to look at the jumbotron to see if I could see the play and what anyone was doing. But all there was on the big screen was a bunch of commercials.”

After leaving the game early, Sam Darnold was not in any better of a mood than Drake Maye. You would have thought he lost the game.

“I am furious and upset right now,” Darnold said. “It is just disappointing. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My soul hurts. I have no way of knowing who won or lost. I was trying to watch from the app on my phone in the locker room and all there was, was these insurance commercials everywhere. They were all trying to be funny, which is kind of sick if you think about it. Insurance is supposed to be there for emergency situations and to help people in desperate situations. But while they are deciding whether or not they want to help a loyal customer’s eight-year old cancer-stricken daughter, they’re using their money for geckos and emus. I mean, do they even know why their business is important?”

He had a lot more to say about government or something. But we had to cut to a commercial break and nobody could hear him. This message is brought to you by No Jingles or Mascots, which does not use mascots to sell you into a false sense of security. It is right there in the name, NJM. No Jingles or Mascots, because unlike the other insurance companies, they’re funny commercials understand the importance of not using funny commercials.

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Now, to recap what we could learn about the game. There was a commercial break in the first quarter that was interrupted by the thrill of a useless punt returner making a fair catch with nobody anywhere near him. After a second quarter filled with endless commercials and nothing happening, there was a halftime break to allow us time to finally watch some more commercials. These commercials were rudely interrupted by nothing happening on a kickoff return with new rule changes that we don’t have time to explain right now. We have to cut to a commercial break. When we get back, we will explain the fourth quarter commercial break that was interrupted by some money-grabbing capitalist football players that just want to make money.

This recap was brought to you buy credit card companies. When you need to go to the bathroom, make sure to bring your cell phone so you can watch commercials urging you to buy new cell phones from expensive companies like Verizon, Android, and Virgin Mobile. Hurry now. You don’t want to miss the post-game cereal commercials. We haven’t even talked about your bladder control issues yet, your dialysis, or your erectile dysfunction.